Bargaining;
or, What Happens When Mary Has Had Little Or No Sleep And Watches Too Much Television
Warning: No plot whatsoever. Blame McKay. And Sheppard.
Summary: Lestrade and Holmes have a conversation with Mary’s new
muses, who have several questions concerning their duties.
Lestrade: Okay, here’s the deal.
Holmes: We do not want any H/L. Other than that, you’re free to do
as you wish.
Sheppard: H/L?
McKay: It’s quite simple. They don’t want any Huge Limitations.
Lestrade: No. We don’t want any Holmes/Lestrade pairings.
Sheppard: Ah. Well then, what about L/H?
Lestrade: Like the man said, anything other than H/L is fine.
Holmes: Hold on, Lestrade. I believe they are referring to
Lestrade/Holmes.
McKay: Well, you did say anything other than H/L is fine.
Lestrade: No.
McKay: Yes.
Lestrade: No.
McKay: Yes.
Sheppard: Holmes did say it.
Lestrade: (beginning to get annoyed, shoots McKay and Sheppard her
most potent death glare) There is to be no romance between me and
Holmes, whatsoever.
Sheppard: No what?
Lestrade: Romance between me and Holmes
McKay: Really? There’s romance between you and Holmes?
Lestrade: Argh! No!
McKay: Are you sure? Because according to these other stories by
our musee....
Sheppard: 'Musee'?
McKay: What’s wrong with it?
Sheppard: Oh, nothing, except for the fact that it isn’t even a
word!
McKay: It’s better than Puddlejumper.
Sheppard: No. No, it isn’t.
McKay: Fine, Mister I’m-Cooler-Than-Everybody-Else-So-I-Get-To-
Name-Things.
Holmes: As amusing as this argument is, it is immaterial to the
conversation at present.
Sheppard: Hey, that’s actually a cool nickname.
McKay: Really?
Sheppard: No. Not really. I just thought I’d try and make you feel
better.
McKay: Feel better about what?
Sheppard: About the fact that you’re an arrogant S.O.B.
McKay: At least I don’t go around with hair gel in my hair that
makes it look like I just got out of bed.
Sheppard: You don’t have enough hair for that.
Lestrade: (Screams)
Everyone: (Stares)
Lestrade: That’s better. Now, like I said. As long as there isn’t
any romance between myself and Holmes....
Sheppard: But where’s the fun in that?
Lestrade and Holmes: (Groan)
Lestrade: It’s hopeless, isn’t it?
Holmes: Yes.
McKay: Yes. Yes it is. And we’re all going to die.
Sheppard: McKay, will you leave off with the dying thing? It gets
annoying after the, oh I don’t know, five hundredth time.
Lestrade and Holmes: (slowly walk back to their own universe while
McKay and Sheppard continue to bicker)
McKay: Hey! Somebody’s gotta be practical.
Sheppard: That somebody certainly isn’t you.
Mary: (groans and puts her head in her hands) Why do I get stuck
with the weirdos?