The Dating Game! BG&R Style

Part 2

by Mere

Donovan: Evasive tactics are the mark of a good businessman or woman.

Mary: (groans)

Jenny: Whatever you say, sir. Next question.

Donovan: Um, yes... Bachelorette #1, if you could be anywhere in the world, where would you be?

Jo: The where is classified, but it would involve a half-ton steel boot up your--

Jenny: Watch the language! This isn't a cable show, y'know.

Donovan: Really now! That's uncalled for Bachelorette #1. What did I ever do to you?

Jo: Nothing, thank God.

Jenny: Okay, Dr. D. Moment of truth here. Who's it gonna be? Bachelorette #1? Bachelorette #2? Or Bachelorette #3? (under her breath) Like we really care…

(shouting out at Donovan)
Number 2! Number 3! Number 2! Number3!

(looks very uncertain, breaking out into a nervous sweat)
Um... Ah....

Jenny (rolling her eyes): Just pick one for Christmas sake!

Donovan (its dawned on him): Yes, that's where I heard that voice from! I pick Number 3! Mary Christmas!

(Audience cheers. Jesse gets up and walks off stage disappointed.)

Jesse: Team Rocket blasting off again....

(Jo is relieved and also leaves, but Mary tries to run only to be caught by security guards who drag her over to Donovan kicking and screaming.)

Mary: You guys are so fired!!!

(sotto voce):
Now, now, sugarbuns. Come to, Daddy.

Mary: Agh! Who's writing this, dammit!?!

(hides backstage with a laptop)
Remember, you never saw me.

(Back onstage with Donovan chasing after Mary. Jenny watches this with amusement.)

Jenny: They make a cute couple, don't they?


Jenny: Anywho, stay tuned. Hopefully our next contestant will have better luck.

(The Show stops for a commercial break. We see a man with his family in their backyard. The man is standing over a futuristic grill as his family sits at a patio table. Corny fifties music plays in background.)

Spokesman: Want to be the stud of steaks? The top dog of hotdogs? Try the Grill Master! This stylish and sleek grill by Grill King has an automated temperature sensor, self-cleaning design, and state of the art timer system, all with three different grilling levels for the perfect steak, chicken, or hot dog.

(Man begins to serve hamburgers to family when two Squillachi soldiers beam down and sit at the table with them. Family flees in terror as the Squillachi help themselves to the burgers and potato salad.)

Spokesman: And a good thing too because you never know who might drop by. The Grill Master, by Grill King!

(Commercial ends and we return to The Dating Game. Close up of Jenny.)

Jenny: Wow. That was quick. Seems these days that commercial breaks are longer than the shows.
Anyway, on with the show. Our next contestant is a Roboticist from right here in New Tronic City. Say hello to Erika Slate.

(Audience applauds. Pan right to a bewildered Dr. Slate as she sits in her chair, blue cards in hand. She looks at the audience, very confused.)

Slate: H-how did I get here?

Jenny: Just go with it.
So, tell us a little about yourself.

Slate: Well I....

Jenny: Yeah, yeah, fascinatin'. Let's meet our three bachelors, shall we?

(Cut to Bachelor Number One, General Thorton. He also looks bewildered.)

Thorton: What in the Sam Hill?!? What's the meaning of this!!!

Jenny: Bachelor Number One enjoys guns, shooting things with a gun, and shooting things with a gun in each hand. Let's give him a warm welcome, folks.

(Audience applauds. Thorton calms down, but remains uneasy. To the right of him, we then see Dwayne who has a resigned air about him.

Dwayne: Y'know, I always knew I'd crack up someday, but this? This is so... anti-climactic.

Jenny: Bachelor Number Two likes fishing, serving his country, and beating the living snot out of evil aliens. Cue the applause.

(Audience applauds obediently. Dwayne then notices who is sitting next to him and jumps in fright. It's Number Four of the Legion Ex Machina!)

Dwayne: Ahh!

(Thorton and Dwayne are horrified to see the resurrected robot.)

Jenny: Bachelor Number Three--

Number Four: Number Four....

Jenny: Ahem, our last Bachelor when not busy plotting the destruction of the human race, likes to spend his free time trying to conquer Draco, the Loathsome.

Number Four (flustered): Ooh! How I despise that dragon!

(We then cut to Jenny and Slate. Donovan is still chasing Mary in the background.)

Jenny: There ya go, Four-eyes. Fire away.

Slate: What?

(sighs loudly, rolling her eyes)
And you're supposed to be the smart one.... Read the cards, doofus.

(looks at cards and then reads one)
....Um, Bachelor Number One, if could be any pie, what pie would you be?

Thorton: Pie? Uh, okay... I'd be an apple pie because it's American.

(Audience cheers, waving little American flags. Thorton becomes more relaxed and starts to enjoy himself.)

Jenny: Right. God Bless America and all that. Next question.

Slate: Bachelor Number Two, what's the first thing you notice about a woman?

(Cut to Dwayne as he looks warily at Number Four. Number Four silently mouths 'I will kill you' at him. Dwayne scoots his chair further away from him.

Slate: Number Two?

Dwayne: Um, yes? What?

Slate: What's the first thing you notice about a woman?

Dwayne: Oh. Her eyes I gue--

(Number Four is making a slashing gesture over his throat at Dwayne.)

Dwayne (getting angry): Can you please get him to stop?

Jenny: Play nicely, Bachelor Number Three.

Number Four: Number Four.

Jenny: Whatever. Next question.

(Slate shuffles through cards, nervous.)

Slate: Bachelor Number...Four, how would you spend your ideal evening?

Number Four (thoughtful): Well, after a long day of enslaving mankind, I'd like to kick back with a Proton Shake and play Magitech Warriors.
(in a sexy, bragging tone)
I'm finally up to level twelve.

(Cut to Jenny and Slate who are weirded out.)

Jenny: Ooookay. So who's it gonna be, Dr. Slate?

Slate: This... this is a dream, right?

Jenny: More like a mass hallucination.

Slate: Well, um, Number Two.

(Audience applauds. Dwayne looks surprised. Number Four pouts and stews.)

Jenny (archly): Why Number Two?

Slate (flustered, angry): So I can get this over with!

(Dwayne looks disappointed. Number Four stands up, indignant.)

Number Four: No fair! I wanna win!

Jenny: Shut your pie hole!

(Number Four then charges his hands with energy. Dwayne and Thorton get up as well, defensive.)

Number Four: I win or no one gets out of here alive!

(He starts shooting at the audience and people flee in terror. Thorton and Dwayne try to subdue Number Four, but he is too strong for them and throws them across the room. Donovan, having given up on Mary, runs over to Mere at her laptop.)

Donovan: Mere, do something!

Mere: Like what?

Donovan: Oh, I don't know... WRITE SOMETHING ELSE!?!

Mere: Why? It's just getting interesting. Watch.
(types something on her laptop and presses Enter. Something blows up for absolutely no reason.)
See? Cool, huh?

Donovan: (pulling his hair out as Number Four goes on a rampage)
Why did you do that?!?

Mere: I can't write a story without any explosions.
(sighs off Donovan's look)
Oh, all right. If we have to have a happy ending....

(Mere types at her laptop again. Suddenly Number Four is not killing everybody, but handcuffed with two policemen holding him by each arm. Thorton, Dwayne, Slate, and Donovan with Jenny on his shoulder are all fine if very disoriented from the abrupt change in the scene.)

Donovan (holding head): That was... different.

Thorton: Enough.
(to Number Four)
It's time to find out who you really are!

(Thorton rips Number Four's mask off to reveal... Maureen! Everybody but Mere gasps in shock.)

Slate: It can't be....

Maureen: (struggles in the police officers' grip)
That's right! It was ME! And I would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you pesky kids!

Jenny: Wait. This doesn't even make any sense!

Mere: So? That's what she gets for asking for an ending.

(The police officers drag poor Maureen off to the paddywagon.)

Mere: (dusts hands off)
Well, all's well that ends well. See ya, folks.

Dwayne (incredulously): You're just going to let it end like this?

Mere: Um, yeah. Why? Did you want some big finish or something?
(Mere then realizes....)
(suggestively): Oh, I see. You want the hero to get the girl.

(Dwayne looks embarrassed as Mere considers another ending. Mere shrugs. Being the uncreative writer she is, she hasn't got one.

Mere: Just tell her, Flash Gordon. I'll let you in on the audience's secret.
(whispering loudly) She likes you.

(Mere walks off stage with her laptop folded under her arm. Jenny gets a signal from the cameraman letting her know time is up.)

Jenny: Well... hope you enjoyed the show. Sadly it will be our last, since the crummy network isn't picking it up for another season. The *beep*holes... goodnight, everybody.

(The stage darkens as we pull back. The credits are rolling and we watch Slate and Dwayne talk, about what I leave up to your imagination. Before we fade out we see Mary and Maureen running Mere down.)


No, really.... The End. Go home, fanboys. Nothing left to see.

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