I'm not making this up!!!

Headline from my local newspaper: "Don't Kiss the Iguana." The paper goes on to explain that iguanas and other reptiles might make interesting pets, but they also carry salmonella, a bacterium that can cause diarrhea, fever, and abdominal crapms in humans. Veterinarian Beth Ann Breitweiser says, "If you pick up a reptile and then make a cheese sandwich or smoke a cigarette without washing your hands, you're at risk."

To that I say, "Thanks, I'm glad I now know iguanas are a public health threat. That passes for news today?!"

Okay, anyways, I wrote about this silly story because well, you'll see...

heh heh... I apologize in advance.

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The Day the Iguana attacked New Tronic City

It was a dark and stormy night in New Tronic City. Most folks had holed up inside for the evening, watching reruns of "Friends" or "The Simpsons." It was the episode where Rachel breaks Joey's recliner, or was that Chandler's. Oh well, the point was, It was just too darned cold to go outside.

The wind howled between the buidings and swept forlorn-looking pieces of paper across deserted streets.

I was in my apartment, writing yet another already doomed sappy love story when a rather unusual noise made me look up from the cold glow of my computer.

"Tap tap tap," it went.

I looked around the room, a little spooked but still in control of my mental processes. My therapist says I need to control my unhealthy fear of things that go bump in the night. Not hearing the noise again, I went back to typing out a story about Charolette and her ax-murderer fiance. Charolette of course didn't know that her fiance was an ax- murderer, but then....

"Tap Tap Tap."

There, I heard it again! I spun around to the window, where I was sure the sound was coming from. The distinctive noise of something tapping on glass counld be heard. Now I was really freaked. I grabbed my pills and downed one, hoping to calm my jittery nerves.

"Tap Tap."

The sound was followed by a skittering noise like the clickty clack of toenails on brick. I stared at the window, frozen, unable to get up and investigate. Anyways, it was too dark to really see anything. Something, though, was OUT THERE.

What should I do? Call the cops? No, they would think I was crazy, and that wasn't far from the truth. Maybe I should call my therapist? I quickly dismissed this idea as well. It was probably just a stupid pigeon. Yeah, a cute little fluffy city rat. I had always liked pigeons.

"Tap Tap, THWUNK!" The abrupt change made me jump. Something had now hit the window. I finally gathered up enough courage to creep towards my window. I crawled on my hands and knees across my living room floor till I reached the windowsill. Placing my fingertips on the sill, I slowly rose till my eyes and nose just cleared the bottom of the window.

Outside, lightning crashed and thunder boomed, revealing a huge eye looking directly into my apartment. I did the only thing any self-respecting person with a pulse would do. I screamed. My shrill cry filled my small living room.

"What's goin' on down there?" Mr. Peterson yelled from above. We had thin walls seeing as the building was about 110 years old.

I continued my scream. The eye blinked and focused on me. It was surrounded by scaley green skin that folded and crinckled as the eye moved. Obviously, the eye was attached to something bigger. It moved on, down the street, and my scream died away into utter silence. I sat, my fingers perched on the sill, unable to think. A giant eye had just paid me a visit. I, for one, was speechless.

"Thud thud thud." I jumped and shrieked again as someone pounded on my door.

"Hello, Febs, you okay?" It was old Mr. Peterson, bless his soul.

I stumbled over to the door and opened it. Mr. Peterson, looking all sleepy and wrinkled, greeted me with a concerned stare.

"Febs, it's 12:00 at night." His Irish lilt was not accusing but serious.

"I, I saw a big eye," was all I could manage to say.

"What?" Peterson looked at me as if I had gone insane. "Explain that again, dear."

"I, I, saw a b-big monster in the window." I stammered and blubbered like a little girl. How embarrassing that I needed Mr. Peterson to come chase my bedtime hallucinations away. I had to be dreaming. A big eye, how stupid. I had obviously been watching to much Mystery Science Theater. "Attack of the Giant Brain People" had been last night's episode.

"You say you saw a big monster in the window? Now how big would you say this monster was?"

"Big enough to be eye level with a 10 story building." My lip quivered as I sniffled and wiped my nose on my pink pajama sleeve. "Look, I'm sorry, I probably just imagined it."

I turned to close the door, not wanting to look any more stupid. Giant eyes, indeed. Humph, I needed a stronger medication.

Just then a huge crash from outside turned my attention back to the window. Mr. Peterson and I ran over to the window. I was a little braver now that he was here.

In the street a huge lizard-like creature had a car, from the looks of it a '73 Chevy Impala, in its clutches. The lizard, or actually an iguana, I realized, grabbed the car with its mouth and bit down firmly. Shaking the car violently, the iguana attempted to eat the car. It crouched down several times, and finding the sheet metal not to its liking, dropped the thing like a smashed toy.

"Oh, my saints," Mr. Peterson said. He crossed himself. I wished I knew how to cross myself; never was Catholic, though. The giant iguana moved in no hurry towards the next car. This one was one of those lime green Bugs. The car's color closely matched the color of the lizard. It crunched that and spit it out too, but not before setting off the alarm, which the lizard ignored.

"The thing's not too smart, is it," I commented to Mr. Peterson.

"Naw," is all he said.

By now, lights all over the neighborhood were on, and I could see excited figures in the windows across the street. One guy was on his phone.

Just then, a white blur of light shot past our window and slowed to reveal itself. It was Big Guy.

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Okay, mara needs to go sleepy, so story will have to wait. I hope this doesnt' suck too much. Wash those hands after touching lizards.