Jack...er, Moriarty and the Beanstalk

by Mary Christmas (unicorn_76010 at lycos.com)

Proof that Mary needs a new hobby.

Yep, another twisted fairy tale by me, Mary Christmas, who is to tell you this tale of fairies. That is, I, Mary Christmas, am about to....*slaps herself* Okay...no more cartoons for me....

Jack...er, Moriarty and the Beanstalk

Moriarty: Why exactly do I have to do this again?

Mary: Because...um...because...Because I say so?

Moriarty: But I am the villain, a criminal, not...please quit that.

Mary: (giving Moriarty puppy dog eyes)
Pweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese! Wid wots and wots of sugaw on top?

Moriarty: (rolls his eyes) Oh, very well....

Once upon a time in the peaceful city of New London (thatís right, I said New London, get over it), there lived a small family deep in the Old Underground. It was so small that it consisted of only two members. One was a highly intelligent, thoughtful, handsome....

(Moriarty! Iím the one telling this story, not you! What are the readers going to think?)

Ahem, as I was saying, one was a grotesque, twisted man with a French accent, who dabbled in the magic of genetics, Fenwick. The other was his son, Moriarty, and he was quite a bit more intelligent than his father. He often used said intelligence to steal things that did not belong to him, as opposed to stealing things that did belong to him.

The family, with its two members, was quite poor, despite Moriartyís proficient pilfering. Perhaps it was because his father often used the ill-gotten gains much too quickly, or in the wrong manner so that...well, they were poor. In any case, Moriarty became so angry with his father one day that he sent him out to sell the cow (yes, cow) he had stolen a week ago.

Fenwick, while quite brilliant when it came to twisting strands of DNA around to his own liking, had absolutely no sense whatsoever when it came to anything else whatsoever. So, when he chanced upon a strange little girl in the Old London Underground, he immediately trusted her upon sight. After all, he reasoned, she was probably just an orphan, like he had been himself and would probably understand his plight. He ignored the strange glowing aura that surrounded the girl, and the large, lamp-like eyes that were predominant in her face, and simply gave the girl his cow for some yummy looking beans....

Well....we all know how this will eventually end up so...Iím still going to tell the story. In any case, the eager geneticist took the beans home and presented them to his son with a flourish.

"Ah, you see? I am not such an old fool after all. Now we will eat for...."

"For one meal! You stupid! Idiotic!" Moriarty stared at his father, his face beet red, unable to put together any coherent sentences. He grabbed the beans and threw them out the window where one just happened to fall into a crack and embed itself in the soil. Then he turned around and stalked to his bed, which was right beside the window and sat glaring at Fenwick.

Fenwick in turn glared at his son. "No, you are the idiot! I could have cloned those beans! Plants are easier to work with than animal life. Now, we do not even have Ďone mealí! Well, fine, then, I know where I can go to get food and you can just sit there and starve for all I care!" With that, the twisted figure of the geneticist left the building. Some father he was.

(Moriarty, no more comments! I mean it!)

Moriarty shrugged off his fatherís words, even though he realized the man was quite likely insa...er right. He closed his eyes and fell asleep, ignoring the pangs of hunger that ate at his stomach. Perhaps being hungry was why he had the strangest of dreams, right out of a fairy tale. Of course there wasnít really a giant beanstalk growing outside his window. He opened his eyes and looked out the window with a smirk on his face that quickly faded.

Knowing what was coming next, he didnít even stop to think about the consequences. He climbed out of the window and began climbing the beanstalk. Because that is what every one does when faced with such a situation. Who cares that someone may be deathly afraid of heights, so much so that he just might wet his pants?

(Now whoís the one getting off track?)

In any case, Moriarty climbed the beanstalk, higher and higher, until he was in the polluted clouds above New London. Why none of the passing hovercars seemed to notice the giant beanstalk in their flight path is a grand mystery.

One individual in a purple and gold hovercoach did indeed notice however, as well as the familiar figure climbing it. He quickly piloted his vehicle closer, well below the climber, and told his companion to take the wheel as he clambered out and began climbing. (Why does he have to be in this story? Because I say so. Heheheh.)

Soon the two climbers had reached the top, which was some beautiful and incredible place right out of the pages of a story book, complete with a giant...and I do mean giant...white castle. Of course they were on opposite sides of the beanstalk and so did not notice each other for a few moments, until their curiosity about their surroundings was satisfied.

"Holmes! What are you doing here?" Moriarty asked, pretending to be Lestrade for a moment.


"Hello, Moriarty," Holmes said in his usual nonchalant manner, "Nice weather weíre having at the moment isnít it?"

Moriarty smirked and acted like his usual evil, devilish...erm...well, anyway, he was Moriarty, as he quickly devised a plan to rid himself of his nemesis once and for all. Unfortunately he couldnít put it to practice because a giant evil-looking phoenix came and picked them both up in its talons and carried them to the uppermost tower of the castle where an evil-looking wizard (See what you get for being evil, Moriarty? Shut up,) smiled at them both.

"Welcome to my castle in the sky. I am...Nobody."

Holmes and Moriarty both looked at each other and then burst out laughing.

The wizard glared at them, but they both refused to explain what was so amusing. The reason they were laughing grinned at them both and then struck the wizard down, and took the girl who suddenly materialized away, far far away.

"Well, that was rather quick, old chap, wasnít it?"

"Quite so, old bean!"

Moriarty and Holmes looked at each other, startled, and then shrugged and continued down from the tower...which was rather difficult, considering that the stairs were over eight feet taller than they were. But they made it down in one piece. Iím still not sure why theyíre working together but...

(*Itís quite simple, really. You see....*

(Never mind, Moriarty.)

Anyway, they came to a large central chamber that had lots and lots of...Golden Triforce souvenirs! It was almost as though the owner of the castle had some kind of Legend of Zelda fetish or something. There were a few other items as well, including the reason Holmes followed Moriarty! It was Lestrade, tied to the edge of a giant harp for some reason or another. Holmes quickly ran over to her, freed her and took off before she noticed Moriarty, and before she could get a word in edgewise.

Moriarty watched them leave and then shrugged, picking up a bag and shoveling the Triforce souvenirs into it.

He climbed back down the beanstalk, cut it down and made a giant that suddenly appeared from nowhere fall to his death. He then proceeded to open a souvenir shop and lived happily ever after. The End!

Moriarty: That was the most idiotic piece of work I have ever participated in.

Mary: (giggles) Notice he didnít say willingly, tee hee!

Moriarty: All right, I have repaid my debt to you...

Mary: (sighs) Yeah, yeah, go away now....you too, reader...(mutters something under her breath and sighs deeply again)


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